my beloved life
Monday, July 16, 2007
yes, its been so long since I last posted. but now, at 2.30am in the morning, sitting in front of the PC, contemplating about my life, I realise that Im nothing but a junk. I've done nothing significant in my life, often causing trouble to myself and others, hurting people around me. Me, being selfish doing so.
This week has been the worst week I ever had. Everything that I do ends in disappointment. Now staring at the end of the week, I wonder what worst things could happen to me when I step into Uni again for my second semester.
Oh yea, that reminds me,
results.yes, disappointment again. I failed cost info. what can I say. I tried my best. nothing can be done. blame nothing but myself for being second best. blame myself for being dumb. blame myself for being a failure. what more can I say. even typing this, I am tearing. but who is there to see. who is there to understand. the pain caused, is unbearable. most importantly, disappointment to my parents. money spent on this useless son. result, failure.
failure. does crying help? why does it not help for me? the more I cry the more I feel pain. nothing can heal it. these two months, one heartbreaker over another. this is just the 'climax' of all these things. these pain, no one can understand, no one could understand, and no one will understand. I am here, in this island of my own. no ship passes by to say hello. no fishes dancing in the dead sea. no fire can be started in this storm. no trees to shelter me from the burning sun. me, in this bare island, lying on the burning sun that gives me blisters on my back, but I just don't have anymore energy to stand up.
What kind of future lies before me? what kind of life will come in my path? I feel like I just don't want to know it, don't want to feel it. ending my life now will end all these things. ending my life now will stop further damage on me. thinking about ending my life now gives me relief. relief that I so desperately need. relief that I will never get alive. a break from everything that I have to go through.
I don't understand how people handle all the disappointment in life and still put a smile on their faces. I often shield myself from the rest of the world when I feel disappointed. Coz I don't want them to know that I am facing all these things. Again, that's the shield that I had put up again after laying it down for awhile. the shield of emotions. the shield from people. the shield from communication. the shield from sharing my problems. normally, if its just one disappointment, I will just shield myself for awhile, but now, I will shield myself for a long long time. I am sorry to those who feel that I am screwing up our friendship. disappointments of these magnitudes will make me do so, and nothing can be done. but anyway, no one really cares. that's why I am writing this in my blog, coz no one really cares, no one really reads this damn thing anyway. it's just something that I had to let out abit here.
2:29 AM
