my beloved life
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Ok, Ive taken time off tonight, to blog here. An unknown lady just past me a small booklet, with the so called 'wise thoughts'. Well, not being rude to the lady, i took the booklet and just put in my bag without reading it much. But as the night (or morning if you want to call it) goes on silent mode, I took it out and read, thinking it's one of those crap that says 'you must be hardworking' 'you can only be rich through hardwork' that sort of thing. But, it is not, ok, it is kind of. But one phrase got me thinking, and got me reflecting on what I have gone through in my 23 years of life.
The greatest success in life is to have the courage to stand up again after a failure
Sounds simple? Yes it does. Sounds like you have heard it many times? Maybe. Sounds like something you have done in life? Im not sure. In my short 23 years of life, I have been through alot, and i do mean alot. Many failures really have come by. In fact, I don't remember having a single year without a major failure in the past 23 years of my life. Moral failures, academic failures, judgment failures.. I really have had it all, maybe more than all of you. I have lied, cheated, stolen, gambled
until I had to borrow money, shouted at parents, caused irreversible problems for others... Yes, it sounds like a confession, and it is a confession. You name it, I have done it, almost all of them. And so, failure is really not something foreign to me. I have gained and lost my fair share of friends, I have gained and lost my fair share from the judgments that I make in life, the decisions that I can tell you, til today still haunts me when I go to bed every night.
I'll let you guys know a secret straight out from my personal journal, during the time when I was gambling my life away, the sleepless nights that I go through, is something that reminds me of what I did everyday. The endless nights of wondering, what is going to happen to me tomorrow? what am I going to do? how much do I owe? how am I going to repay back everything? Why do I make such judgments that at the time, I felt it was ok, but as I think back, was so stupid and foolish? why do I have to destroy the good things, the friendships, the good times in front of me for something so fictional and unattainable? A failure, yes, a major failure. One I had to live with, and the pain and scar will probably live with me forever. And believe me when I say, I still somedays wake up thinking I was still there, in that situation, living a minute at a time, not knowing if the next day could be it for me.
Thankfully, thankfully, I have crawled out of that hole. Yes, the pain and scar lives with me forever, but they become my battle scars, they become something that reminds me, never to go back there again, never to feel that way again, they remind me how to control myself, they remind me that every decision and judgment I make, will have an impact, sooner or later in life, they remind me to take responsibility for the judgments I make.
And so, Have I faced failures in life? Yes I did. Major, impactful ones! Have I had the courage to stand up? although not 100%, but at least I am standing up with crutches. Hopefully one day, I can stand up firm, and start walking the path I was meant for, living the life, free from the all the pain!!
3:17 AM
