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Special thanks to Michelle for helping heaps in editing this blog skin. Please go check her blog at her link up there!!
Thanks to Wendy for checking and giving comments as well! Again, I'd like to thank Wendy, for creating that wonderful header!!

my beloved life

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Oh wow, time really has passed. The last post was what, January 2011? Now it's November 2012 and almost heading into 2013 already!! Time really flies!

The last time I blogged, I talked about having 3 of my seniors leaving, now I am a Senior already!! Ok, putting it into that perspective really makes me feel old =.=

Anyway, fast forward some 22 months, 2 of the seniors actually came back to EY to work! But the first things they have mentioned to me is how I have changed since they left. According to them, I have become way more serious, less cheerful and alot more stressful looking than when they left. Somehow I think they are actually right, I had a rough 2011 and in 2012 things have not changed a whole lot. Even I have to admit I have fallen short of everyone's expectation of how I should be performing as a Senior. Maybe I really don't have what it takes to make the next step. I was excellent, beyond-expectation performer as a staff, but the step up to a Senior has so far proven to be too high a barrier for me to climb. When I was a staff, I was practically sprinting and jumping through all the walls, but now as a Senior, I feel like I'm struggling to hang on to the wall and not slide back down.

What really has changed? Myself? The job? Will I ever get back the feeling of jumping through walls again or forever be stuck at trying to hang on for dear life? Only time will tell... Let's see when will the next post be, another 22 months perhaps?

I'm so in trouble.....

3:04 AM

Saturday, January 08, 2011

As mich says, it is quite funny how everyone still checks in from time to time. Ok, so the last post was quite emo, unfortunately, im gonna start off 2011 with an emo post as well.

Well, just heard the news that 3 of my seniors are going to be leaving next month. 1 of them is someone I really really look up to. Ever since she was my mentor during my internship, she has been a guiding star for me, being there to give me advice and shielding me from troubles and problems at work, while also giving me a pick me up if im slacking at work. I've never told her this, but deep down I really look up to her alot and sort of depend on her (maybe overly dependent) to guide me through my career. So obviously, getting the news that she is leaving is both a shock as I didnt expect it, and a really sad news. She has family reasons for leaving, being a new mom and taking over family business, but deep down I still dread the day I don't get to see her at work, seeing the 3 of them talking and laughing really loudly at work (not that its a bad thing!), going over to de-stress and going for lunch with them. I don't really know how to describe the feeling, heartache yet knowing that its the right thing for her to do? All I can do now, is just savour the times when they are still around, and wish them all the best in everything they do.

Ok, Im getting emo again, before I dwell on this at my sleep, just want to wish everyone, Happy New Year!!

4:57 AM

Friday, November 12, 2010

Oh, blog, how long has it been. No one is here anymore. 11/11 today.. Haha I remember a friend of mine during high school who loves the number 11. Everyday (even night she says) at 11:11, she will make a wish. I wonder where she is now.. Thinking back at that brought back memories of the past, nostalgic and emo feelings comes lingering around me. Maybe it's because I had a really bad day at work, coupled by an empty house, creates a rather sad sight.

Only now, I realise how isolated I have become. How isolated I have chose to make myself. To put the real me into a case and hide it all from the world and put a happy face up front, is really tiring. Just awhile ago, everyone was talking about meeting up with this person from high school, that person from high school. And I realise, I had pushed all my friends from high school away, til I have none left. Well, of course, there is dom, pok and adam. But ya, you get what I mean. Jonathan, Joan, Ying Roe, Peng Tat, Jun Mun, Chin Ming... the list goes on. Where are they now? I don't know. What are they doing now? I dont know? Everything seems to end with "I dont know." nowadays.

Maybe its really just the bad day at work that caused me to be a little upset tonight. Maybe its just an accumulation of feelings that I have been going through lately. Or maybe it is just an accumulation of everything this year. The problem is, hiding myself away, means I have no one to turn to when there is a desperate need to cry out to. I admit, I am an emotional person. But who can I be emotional to? No one, but myself.. Guess that's just how its going to be now.

12:12 AM

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Hi! ok, so I didnt post in March. Clearly the person who spot checks, DIDNT spot check last month coz there were no reminder, plus she closed the blog to INVITED READERS only *sienz*. Anyway, A quick rundown on what has happened over the past month or so.

Life at work has been great. Although it is peak season now, where everyone goes back at ungodly hours (ie. 10pm/ 11pm/ 12am) in order to fulfill the filing deadline, I feel like Ive grown in the past month or so, more rapidly than usual. In terms of technical capabilities (clearly, anything is rapid progression when your technical competencies start from 0 =.=), as well as in maturity. Being a new staff and being thrown in the thick of everything, I have to learn and pick up points really quickly. Its not fun at times, when your senior expects much from you and your struggling to deliver, but I think overall I did pretty alright so far (I hope!!)

During this period, I also went for my first stand up comedian show. Ive always been watching stand up comedies on youtube. Unfortunately, some of the jokes will only be understood and laughed at by the locals, so sometimes when I watch, I really dont get why it was so funny. Plus, I dont know many stand up comedians in Malaysia, so I actually was looking forward to this when Pok suggested it. Of course, typical of us, we went to PJLA at 8pm to get a ticket for the show at 8.30pm. I thought, thats it la, there is no way we can make it in time la for this. Mana tau, when I went to the booth, the lady told me, there are still tickets. But when we went in before the show starts, the show was actually fullhouse. This only means one thing. Everyone bought the ticket between 8 - 8.30pm!! typical Malaysians really. Anyway, the show was by Harith Iskandar (honestly I only knew he was Harith something, never actually knew what was his name). Another Malaysian comedian opened the night for him, by the name of Kuan Jen Han. I have to admit, this chinese dude was really good! his jokes about us Malaysians wanting to taste something that a friend said was bad to confirm that it really tastes bad was really funny! His joke about spot checking woman to make sure they wore panties was really good too haha.
He was that good, that I think he overshadowed Harith Iskandar a little (agreed by Pok).

On another note, tennis has been great, I don't think Im progessing as much as this since, well, since I start playing actually! I don't know if its because now the lessons are paid by me and hence, that I tend to be very serious during training. Anyhow, its a good thing anyway so Im not complaining. Played with one of his students the other day. I have to admit I was really afraid to play with him, especially when he hits really well when he was in training and Pok and I was watching. Honeslty, I thought the coach was joking when he said he wants us to have a match, until he was like "just come and play la seriously", that I was like thinking 'Oh shit, he is actually serious about this. Have to admit, It feels really different playing in a match, as it felt like forever since I actually played a proper match. Lucky I manage to beat him (barely), due to good fortune and lucky shots haha!

Just came back from PC fair. Honestly, this PC fair thingy is getting WAY TOO FLOODED with laptops. Honestly, at least the last time around I see some booths selling desktops. This time around, I only noticed ONE!! that's pathetic. Of course, when Pok and I saw that a new quad core computer only costs RM1799, we almost tripped over in disbelief! less than RM2000 for Quad Core, wtf...!! What a difference 4 months make. When I bought my laptop, everyone was using Core 2 Duo. Now, even at RM2000 you can get a laptop with i3 Intel Processor. Oh well, as I said, we can never keep up with the pace of technology and its price. Actually today's mission was mainly to look for my sis's laptop. Since she got 12As in SPM (godlike!!), my dad promised her a laptop. And I think even before she went, she already made her choice to buy Macbook Pro. SO, I actually think it was quite a redundant trip for her, since the info they gave are already from the web. Oh well, at least I think it was good she went to a PC fair to witness the crowd. In the end, the person who bought the most things is.. guess who!! Me lo! Was looking for hard disk, and was my only target during PC fair. Initially, I thought of just getting the 2.5" hard disk, since they are easy to carry around. 500GB for RM275 is quite ok. But thanks to Pok, he suggested the 1TB for RM329, since it was double the space for RM50 more. The only thing that is holding me back was that this 1TB hard disk was a 3.5" hard disk that requires a seperate power source. In the end, I bought the 1TB for the amount of space, and again, convinced by Pok that I dont need to carry them around anyway since if I want to carry around I have the 250GB hard disk to carry, where as I can just put this 3.5" hard disk at home.

So, that pretty much sums up my life so far since the last update. Another 2 more weeks, and the filing deadline would be over. Things to look forward to:

1. Series (been really far behind, I want to catch up Heroes, considering how much I actually knew about Heroes before I stopped; I want to catch up on Smallville too, since Season 9 started off really well, but I have unfortunately not been downloading it)

2. Universal Studios (Singapore here I come after peak!!)

3. PJ Laugh Fest (everyone who actually reads my blog ought to go for this! really looking forward to this!!)

That's all for now, have a great week ahead!


5:17 AM

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ok, Ive taken time off tonight, to blog here. An unknown lady just past me a small booklet, with the so called 'wise thoughts'. Well, not being rude to the lady, i took the booklet and just put in my bag without reading it much. But as the night (or morning if you want to call it) goes on silent mode, I took it out and read, thinking it's one of those crap that says 'you must be hardworking' 'you can only be rich through hardwork' that sort of thing. But, it is not, ok, it is kind of. But one phrase got me thinking, and got me reflecting on what I have gone through in my 23 years of life.

The greatest success in life is to have the courage to stand up again after a failure

Sounds simple? Yes it does. Sounds like you have heard it many times? Maybe. Sounds like something you have done in life? Im not sure. In my short 23 years of life, I have been through alot, and i do mean alot. Many failures really have come by. In fact, I don't remember having a single year without a major failure in the past 23 years of my life. Moral failures, academic failures, judgment failures.. I really have had it all, maybe more than all of you. I have lied, cheated, stolen, gambled until I had to borrow money, shouted at parents, caused irreversible problems for others... Yes, it sounds like a confession, and it is a confession. You name it, I have done it, almost all of them. And so, failure is really not something foreign to me. I have gained and lost my fair share of friends, I have gained and lost my fair share from the judgments that I make in life, the decisions that I can tell you, til today still haunts me when I go to bed every night.

I'll let you guys know a secret straight out from my personal journal, during the time when I was gambling my life away, the sleepless nights that I go through, is something that reminds me of what I did everyday. The endless nights of wondering, what is going to happen to me tomorrow? what am I going to do? how much do I owe? how am I going to repay back everything? Why do I make such judgments that at the time, I felt it was ok, but as I think back, was so stupid and foolish? why do I have to destroy the good things, the friendships, the good times in front of me for something so fictional and unattainable? A failure, yes, a major failure. One I had to live with, and the pain and scar will probably live with me forever. And believe me when I say, I still somedays wake up thinking I was still there, in that situation, living a minute at a time, not knowing if the next day could be it for me.

Thankfully, thankfully, I have crawled out of that hole. Yes, the pain and scar lives with me forever, but they become my battle scars, they become something that reminds me, never to go back there again, never to feel that way again, they remind me how to control myself, they remind me that every decision and judgment I make, will have an impact, sooner or later in life, they remind me to take responsibility for the judgments I make.

And so, Have I faced failures in life? Yes I did. Major, impactful ones! Have I had the courage to stand up? although not 100%, but at least I am standing up with crutches. Hopefully one day, I can stand up firm, and start walking the path I was meant for, living the life, free from the all the pain!!

3:17 AM